What's Next?

Its been awhile since I wrote a blog for others to read.
I was kinda depressed in A school and no one wants to hear about that.

That's over and done with now. Now I'm excited again. I am with my favorite person again and I am thankful.

I have to admit joining the Navy hasn't been what I expected it to be. Granted I'm not out there sailing just yet. It's easier in some ways than I thought. You basically just have to show up and do what your told. I'm pretty good at that. I think I've been obedient most of my life. (Until I was 18 and had to grow up. I felt that being rebellious was the only way to do that.) So I've got that part down. The part that's a bit different than I expected are other peoples thoughts on it.

I know most of this is in my own head as I do not spend much time dwelling on others life decisions. (key word there, "much") I'm pretty selfish in my thought process. Regardless, I feel the need to defend my decision. So hear goes.

I felt I needed to do something.

It's hard for me to word my feelings about myself without it coming off as judging others who do the same thing. I'm talking about just me, not you. I probably don't know the real you so how can I talk about you?

I was a housewife. I loved it. I was good at it. I am getting older, not producing a family, following my husband around the world. Being there for him. I felt safe. Doing what was expected of me. I felt I wasn't doing enough.

So I signed the dotted line and had to go through with my decision. If I didn't follow through I could go to jail. That was enough to motivate me.

I couldn't remember the last time I did anything that scared me. Besides getting married. (I was a 19 year old kid, I'd be lying if I told you I wasn't scared about that one.) That has turned out more amazing than I could have ever hoped for. I feel truly blessed. I have an extraordinary human being to go through life with.

There are a lot of little reasons why I joined, but the big one is simple. I just felt I needed to do something that scared me. To do something so crazy. I'm glad I did.

Lyrics from "Defying Gravity":

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!

I'm looking for the next scary thing to do. I want to run a marathon before I die. I  I'll sign up for a half marathon first. It's been said that magic happens just outside of your comfort zone. I believe that.

I'm not the same person I was. Somethings are better, my sense of self, that I matter, that I am someone. Somethings are worse, I'm more selfish, I'm less patient, I swear, There's probably more...

I know that life goes on and I will continue to be judged, just like I make judgments of others. I can let it go knowing that I am doing what is right for me. Just like I'm sure those people I judge go on with their lives doing what is right for them.

What is right for me is to take the next leap, do something else I don't think I can do.

Yours Forever

I thought I was going to bed, I guess not just yet.

My heart is just overflowing right now. I'm so thankful for so many things. I live a very blessed life.

I just turned on the song "Yours Forever" by Dara Maclean. It is just speaking to me right now. I know on a day to day basis I take all the little blessings for granted. One thing I know is I am forever grateful for God never failing to meet me in the here an now.
Listen to song here.

When I was new to Japan and my marriage was crumbling apart right before me. I wept in the shower and prayed and then got up and did something about it. He gave me strength.

When food had a hold of my life and I was crying over a powdered donut. I know it may seem trivial to some of you. He was there. He showed me that he created food from the earth to nourish me. I didn't need that donut. I needed Him and all that he provides for me.

Now when I'm here at school. I get so stressed over tests and falling behind in class. Yet He is here. Meeting me in my need. Helping me to recall the information as I need it.

To a person who isn't a Christian they could explain all of this away. Say that I was the one who did something, not God.

In my heart of hearts, I know that I myself am incapable of these things.

I didn't carry the ability to change my husbands heart. I have seen him change from angry to loving. He changed my heart from closed off and bitter to open and kind. It seems to have just happened overnight.

I didn't carry the ability to say no to food that was in front of me. It happened when I let go.

My body gets physically exhausted from studying and stress. He meets me time and time again in my need.

I am so in love. One of my greatest fears is that I have all this love for God and what he has done for me, yet I fail to show the world.

"Thank you, for finding me when you did. You changed my life. Now I believe that love is all that I'll ever need. I promise my heart, and all that I am, I'm yours forever my Love."

Being Humbled

This week was a really trying week for me. I cried. I cried hard. I was on the phone with James and I was just sobbing. School is more difficult than I thought it would be.

James told me not to give up. I feel like not only would I be disappointed in myself if I quit school, but I feel like I would let my parents, and my brother and James down too.

As I was laying on the floor next to my closet just sobbing, I just prayed. Every ounce of me wanted to give up. I wanted to go talk to my petty officers and see how I could get out of school.

I got up, washed my red, puffy, snotty face. I ate dinner. Sat down and finished my homework. Later in the shower I turned Pandora to praise and worship music. There is just something so peaceful about singing praises in the shower. The steam rises and I just feel like He is there and He hears and feels how much I need Him, how much I love Him and how much I want to please Him.

I am just a girl who day by day puts one foot in front of the other. That's more than I used to do. When you know that there is a purpose for your life (even if you don't quiet know what it is) you just keep going.
I used to be a quitter. I would try and exercise and I would give up after I didn't lose 20lbs in a week. I would try and eat healthy and then I see a cupcake, once you have one you have to have another and oops, there goes that day.
My recent success in diet, exercise, getting through boot camp is all due to God. It started as a cry for help to have self control in one area of my life.
Then little by little I found strength in myself that God had placed there all along. I just didn't know it.

You know how easy it is to find good in others yet you look at yourself and you can't find anything? I don't see that anymore. That is calling God a liar. I was made in his image. I am beautiful, loving, strong, smart, kind, helpful.
I have bad days, but I think it's God trying to pull something out of me that I didn't know was there. Think about it. How else do you grow if not by having those hard days?

He is so good and so faithful. He has placed loving parents who pray for me daily. A husband who supports me and allows me to grow as an individual and go chase my goals and dreams.

Having those things are more precious to me than anything. I am so blessed. So thankful. So humbled.

I'm just a girl, who puts on foot in front of the other.

Philippians 4:12-14 (NIV) I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, wether well fed or hungry, wether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this who gives me strength. Yet it was good of you to share in my troubles.

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! All of you have been so supportive and sweet. Offering insight and wisdom into my life. I'm so thankful to share this life with all of you. From my struggle to conceive, to losing weight, to realizing dreams and hard work go hand in hand. You guys are amazing.

-Audra

A-school and such

Hey guys!

This weekend was really great. I took my test on Friday and only missed 3 questions. Then it was my duty free weekend so I didn't have to worry about standing watch or staying in the building.
I went and watched Despicable Me 2 and the Lone Ranger. Both were really good. It's been awhile since a movie has had my full attention. I usually fall asleep or my brain just goes off on the things I need to be doing.

Today has not been that great. Today is my duty day and that's fine. On duty days you can only leave the building to go eat and you have to stay in the uniform of the day. (So I can't get comfy until it's time for bed.) Today was also my first day of AES. (I'm not sure what that acronym means.) It's basically where I didn't get my lesson done in class so I stay late and finish it. It's really great that they offer that so I don't get behind. Tomorrow morning I'll be with the rest of the class. They also have this thing called Open Learning. That is where you can stay late and just go over the lessons you have learned.

I know I'm going to try and go to open learning as often as I can.

I left the school house in tears. This stuff is not clicking. It really doesn't seem that complicated but today was an overload of formulas. I remember in math class in high school we would probably only learn one formula a week.

They told us coming into this school that the military has condensed the program. Probably so they aren't wasting taxpayers dollars and get us to our jobs more quickly. In the civilian world this program would be 3 months. Here it is just 1.

I am really discouraged. I want to do well, I really do. After today though I just want to get through it. If I fail 3 tests then they can and probably will set me back. They say that it is a small percent that actually gets dropped, most just get set back.

I want to be done as soon as I can. I miss my husband terribly.

On a positive note Psalm 46:1 God is our refuge and our strength, an ever present help in trouble. 

I love you guys!
Please keep me in your prayers. I really need them.

On Hold

Hey guys,

Nothing big going on here really. Well James did just sign us to get base housing in Virginia. That's cool, it will be a 3 bedroom 2 1/2 bath townhouse. It has a 1/2 bath more than we have now, but it's less square footage.

I'm ready to start school and learn what I'm going to do and just get to James. Right now I'm on hold. My classes haven't started yet.

I know that I signed up for this and that I would miss him, but I REALLY miss him. It's just those little everyday things I got used to. Eating diner, watching tv, walking the dogs, going for a drive, going to the beach. Just having someone to talk to and hug everyday.

I say that I'm only going to do four years, he thinks I'll do eight since GMs (gunners mates) make rank quickly and the second term would be mostly shore duty. I guess we will see. I'm having a hard enough time now. We aren't even doing anything. I guess that could make the days feel longer.

I'm here to learn my job and go to school. Instead I clean all day. I know that once I get to the fleet as and E1-E3 I'll mostly be cleaning anyway. But while we are home-ported I'll get to go home every night. I won't have to worry about crappy connections.

I sound like everyone else around here, whiney.

I am thankful for a job and I hope to class up soon. I'm thankful I can wear civilian clothes again. I'm thankful James is going to come and see me at the end of August. I'm thankful to have someone who is worth missing this much.

If you pray for me pray that I make a good girlfriend around my age and that I class up quickly. I'm pretty shy in a large group of people until I get to know everyone. It's kinda putting me behind in the social ladder here. I know I'm not here to make friends, I'm here to learn my job. Life is just better when it is shared.

Man, I sound depressed. I'm not people. I am adjusting, but slowly.

I love you all and you guys have been really great encouragement. I'm so thankful to have you guys in my life.

Thanks for reading.
Love you,
Audra

Update

Hey Guys!

My first update since boot camp. The internet on base isn't very good so I probably won't update again for another month. I'll be on facebook here and there when I hit a wifi hotspot.

Well I made it through boot camp! :)

It was exhausting but easier than I thought. I really didn't personally get yelled at. The RDC's just yelled at our division. They were pretty cool though. I thought there would be a lot more running and I thought we would be running in our boots but we didn't. I did get some pretty gnarly blisters on my heels, like half dollar size. They have become callused, so I have man feet. I also got pink eye twice, ewww. Other than that no major issues.

Today I felt different. I notice people noticing me in my uniform. People want to tell me about who they know in the military. People want to approach me. I also carry myself a little taller now. I feel honored to wear a uniform that represents our country. I have only just begun and have yet to realize what service actually means.

Today in the elevator I was polite and said good morning to a lady, normally I would have just stayed quiet. I feel like this uniform forces me out of my shell and to act in a manor that reflects the core values of the Navy. I feel that what I was taught in boot camp is lining up with what God has planned for me. I'm slightly anxious of how A-school will be. I'm excited to see where this path will lead.

I want to thank all of you who took the time to write me. I know everyone has busy lives and that you would take time out of your day to think of me means a lot. Mail call was the best time of day and I truly have a great support system.

James I missed you more than you know. To know you have my back and support me feels amazing. Going through this whole process my respect for you has grown even more. You are amazing. You are my best friend.

I love all of you! Can't wait to be caught up on what all of you have been doing.

-Audra

Ready, Set, Go.

This is it guys, my last blog post before RTC. (Recruit Training Command)

This last week has been pretty crazy. My in-laws came down. They helped paint our wall back and took off some paint outside that James and I were too lazy to do. (Thanks guys! I love you.)

We spent that weekend hiking and went to LuLu's over in Gulf Shores and I can't even remember what else. My brain is all over the place.

This weekend was supposed to be fun and relaxing. Saturday we rented a boat thinking that would be fun. Weather was nice, boat and waves not so much. It was pretty choppy water and our boat was so little. I got seasick within 30 min. No throwing up, but headache and I was gagging like I was about to throw up. Not sure I'll be the best sailor! Haha.

After that I wanted to go to Dunkin Donuts to get an iced coffee. Caffeine helps with headaches right?  I have never ordered from there so I just told the lady I wanted a sweet cold coffee. She said "We don't have that." What!? I see pictures of it on all the commercials. I can't help it if I don't know what it's called. You are supposed to know what I want lady. Customer service, come on. So I didn't get anything. Another waste of time on our last Saturday. James was frustrated with me. I don't feel well and am frustrated that he is frustrated. We went home and took naps. Once we woke up and ate dinner the rest of the night was nice and uneventful.

Sunday I was lazy for the first bit of the day. Made biscuits and gravy for breakfast. Took a nap, then I got to work. I cleaned out the deep freeze, the refrigerator, the closets, the shed. Pretty much everything. Then James took me to dinner out on Pensacola Beach. After dinner we just took the long way home and drove out to Santa Rosa beach and Navarre beach. It was nice and relaxing, exactly what I wanted. I teared up a little just thinking about how much I'm going to miss him and our life here in Pensacola.

I know this is what I want to do. I just can't help thinking "What are you doing Audra? Life is great and  here you are throwing a job in the mix that is taking you away from everything you know."

When I tell people I'm joining the Navy one of the first things people ask is "What does your husband think?" I honestly don't know what he thinks. When I first talked about it a LONGGGGG time ago, he was against it. It wasn't even a possibility with how big I was anyway. Once I lost the weight and made him aware that I'm serious and I really want to join he was on board. He also wanted to make sure that this is what I want to do. I don't want to be separated from him, but it's part of it. I am pretty sure he isn't going to like being alone either. No one will be here to make him grilled cheese sandwiches.

I do know that he will like that he gets to have to whole bed to himself instead of the little sliver I give him now. He will be able to watch sports and fake wrestling anytime he wants. He can eat an entire bag of chips in one sitting without me saying something. I'm pretty sure he will enjoy all of that.

I just found out that I have to be at the recruiters office tomorrow morning at 0700. I know we can't even check into our hotel until 1530 (3:30pm). All tomorrow is, is just getting me to New Orleans. I was really hoping James could just drive me and we could leave around 1100. Now I have to wake up early for basically nothing. Welcome to the Military??? Wednesday I have to wake up at like 0345 and eat breakfast before 0430. The bus takes us to the base and we process. Then my flight to Great Lakes (where RTC is.) won't be until late Wednesday night cause they want you to be exhausted when they yell in your face. I will have to stay awake all Wednesday night and all Thursday until they tell me I can sleep on Thursday night. Please, please, please, please pray for me. I'm going to hate my life. I'm going to cry, I'm going to be exhausted. I know that a lot of this will be mental. This will probably be the hardest thing I have ever done.

Everyone says the first day is the hardest day and the first two weeks are the hardest weeks. After that they say that it's fun. I'm not sure if their definition of fun will be the same as mine.

I'm worried about making friends. I'm 27, not 17. I'm worried about being put into a leadership position and not being able to take the pressure. I'm worried of falling asleep. I love my naps ya'll. Please pray for these areas specifically.

There is so much more I could say, but I think I'll get off here and update you guys once I am a United States Sailor! I'm going to be so proud of myself. I can't wait until James and my dad see me in my uniform. I'm going to cry, happy proud tears of course.

I love you all!
I want to give shout outs
To my mom -Mom you are an amazing women. I love you so much and am so grateful you are in my life. I hope to be the women of God you are.
To my dad -Dad I love you. I still think of myself as your little girl. I hope to make you proud. I am proud of you and proud to be your daughter.
To my love -James, you are my partner in life and love. You are the first person I want to tell about my day. You are my best friend. I am so glad you are my husband. I am grateful to you for letting me take this adventure. Grateful that we are in this adventure together. I love you.

2 Kings 6:16 "Don't be afraid," the prophet answered. "Those who are with us are more than those who are with them." 

Isaiah 40: 29-31 He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youth grow tired and weary, and young me will stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. 

Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."