Ready for My Miracle

I have a lot to be Thankful for. However, I'm feeling toxic in my thoughts right now and want to get them out so I will get past them more quickly. I will pass them onto you so you can be the toxic one. I'm nice like that. 

I want a baby. I don't want to be patient. I don't want to get on facebook right now because yet another round of pregnancies are being announced. I know there are probably more who are waiting until Christmas to announce because that is a fun way to announce it. I know that because that's what I wanted to do. I wanted to have a pregnant Halloween costume. I wanted to announce it at Thanksgiving that I am thankful I am going to be a mommy, the way my sister-in-laws did so many Thanksgivings ago. I could still get pregnant by Christmas, but I wouldn't be far enough along to want to announce it to the world. 

I think the part that stings the most about these folks who are pregnant is they are younger than me, or not married, or just got married, or just started trying and the next day, surprise! 

Since it is technically James' account I have no reason to be on there anyway. I am though because if not I miss out on all the good stuff like pregnancy announcements! 

I hid one girl who was a former student of his. She was pregnant and it was all she would post about. "Me and so and so are having a baby!" "Oh! the baby is hungry, I have to feed him." "Not feeling well cause the little guy is making me sick" On, and on, and on, and on. Shut up. You're pregnant, I'm not. I don't like you right now.

When we go home someone always asks, "When are you guys going to have a baby?" I guess they don't realize we have been trying for the past 4 years. 

I don't mind telling people all of my business, as you can tell from this blog. There is just a time and place for crap like that and a family dinner where the baby of a teenage cousin being passed around is not that time. I also love how that teenage mother said "Shoot, I'll give you my eggs!" I have never mentioned to her or her mother anything other than, "We are trying."  Besides, the doctor loves my eggs. I have a lot of them and they all look good. Take That! Having a baby is more complicated than good eggs. 

Each and every human being is a miracle. You don't realize how much detail and how perfect the timing has to be when having a baby comes natural to you. There is only a 24 hour window when it happens. Sure there is like a 72 hour "layover" for things to get right, but only a 24 hour window for that miracle to take place. 

I'm ready for my miracle.

Well, now that I have left you with a bitter taste in your mouth. I am going to go for a walk and listen to praise music. Put on the garment of praise so I don't have to wear a mask of happiness. 

Isaiah 61:3 To consol those who mourn in Zion, To give them beauty for ashes, The oil of joy for mourning, The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; That they may be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified. 

Lord, if anything can come out of this struggle, may you be glorified. If I am never meant to become a mother, give me peace. If James is never meant to become a father, give him peace. If the time is yet again, "not now," let it not hurt so much. I know that every good an perfect gift comes from you. Help me to focus on the other gifts you have given me and not have tunnel vision for something that you might not have in store for me. I don't want to be bitter or toxic. You are an awesome God and I thank you for saving me and getting me through this time. I don't want to just get through. I want to praise though. Thank you for being my constant. 

Fire Rising

Psalm 3:3  But you, O Lord, are a shield around me, my glory, and the one who lifts my head high.

I really cherish my sunday morning walks. It is a time where I don't worry about my pace. I just turn on praise and worship music and walk. (Last Sunday I walked/ran with my brother. It was some great and much needed sibling bonding time.)

This past week we didn't get the news we were hoping for fertility wise. We were hoping to see a change but it stayed the same. We are going to continue for another couple of months before we meet with the doctor again to discuss further options.

This song came on.

I just felt something that can't be explained rise up in me. I felt a call to action. I'm not sure what that call is. I don't know what God has planned for me, but i feel He wants me to get ready.

When this song came on I lost it.

I started running and sobbing at the chorus. I have no idea what is going on inside myself. As tears were streaming down my face I was just praying for God to use me in whatever way he needs me. I released those held back tears. There is something bigger than me going on and I want to be part of it. I am no longer who I once was. God is making me into a warrior.

I feel stronger physically. I am setting and reaching goals I never thought possible. I have always felt that people underestimate me. Turns out that I am the one who underestimated myself.

I have this desire to be stronger spiritually. I don't know where I'm going. I only know that for me it starts with praise. Over this next year I want to learn the spiritual truths of who I am in Christ. That is my goal. To find out who I am. Right now I am a broken mess, but I feel this fire rising.