What's Next?

Its been awhile since I wrote a blog for others to read.
I was kinda depressed in A school and no one wants to hear about that.

That's over and done with now. Now I'm excited again. I am with my favorite person again and I am thankful.

I have to admit joining the Navy hasn't been what I expected it to be. Granted I'm not out there sailing just yet. It's easier in some ways than I thought. You basically just have to show up and do what your told. I'm pretty good at that. I think I've been obedient most of my life. (Until I was 18 and had to grow up. I felt that being rebellious was the only way to do that.) So I've got that part down. The part that's a bit different than I expected are other peoples thoughts on it.

I know most of this is in my own head as I do not spend much time dwelling on others life decisions. (key word there, "much") I'm pretty selfish in my thought process. Regardless, I feel the need to defend my decision. So hear goes.

I felt I needed to do something.

It's hard for me to word my feelings about myself without it coming off as judging others who do the same thing. I'm talking about just me, not you. I probably don't know the real you so how can I talk about you?

I was a housewife. I loved it. I was good at it. I am getting older, not producing a family, following my husband around the world. Being there for him. I felt safe. Doing what was expected of me. I felt I wasn't doing enough.

So I signed the dotted line and had to go through with my decision. If I didn't follow through I could go to jail. That was enough to motivate me.

I couldn't remember the last time I did anything that scared me. Besides getting married. (I was a 19 year old kid, I'd be lying if I told you I wasn't scared about that one.) That has turned out more amazing than I could have ever hoped for. I feel truly blessed. I have an extraordinary human being to go through life with.

There are a lot of little reasons why I joined, but the big one is simple. I just felt I needed to do something that scared me. To do something so crazy. I'm glad I did.

Lyrics from "Defying Gravity":

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!

I'm looking for the next scary thing to do. I want to run a marathon before I die. I  I'll sign up for a half marathon first. It's been said that magic happens just outside of your comfort zone. I believe that.

I'm not the same person I was. Somethings are better, my sense of self, that I matter, that I am someone. Somethings are worse, I'm more selfish, I'm less patient, I swear, There's probably more...

I know that life goes on and I will continue to be judged, just like I make judgments of others. I can let it go knowing that I am doing what is right for me. Just like I'm sure those people I judge go on with their lives doing what is right for them.

What is right for me is to take the next leap, do something else I don't think I can do.