Why am I happy the way I am? Truth is, I'm not. I'm just tired of trying and things not working.
About two years ago I was reading a fitness magazine. This magazine talked about all the types of tests you need to have done in your life and at what age you can start getting tested for things. It said that you should have your blood sugar and cholesterol checked at age twenty. I was already twenty-three so I made an appointment. Cholesterol good, blood sugar a little high. No big deal. Then I connected it with other female issues I have/had in past called the doc up and BAM diagnosis. Got meds, started exercising, eating right and life is good. I lose a couple pounds and thats it.
Well not exactly. I was diagnosed with PCOS. (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome) After I told some people about this I was actually surprised to find that more people have this than I thought. I'm not special. When it comes to medical stuff thats good though, that means the doctors know how to help me cope with this.
http://pcos.about.com/od/pcos101/a/pcosymptoms.htm
These are the symptoms that led up to me talking to my doctor about it. I had all the physically noticeable signs of this but none of the blood tests. Facial hair, skin tags, dark patches of skin on my neck, being overweight. (Yup, I'm real attractive!)
So I got this med for the blood sugar and it is supposed to make everything fall into place and things start changing. Along with diet and exercise of course. So I take this medicine and do everything right for about a full year, the only thing that changes is I become regular. (Just what you wanted to know right? Well I guess thats what you get for giving me your email to get updates on my life! Haha, sucker!)
So this past summer I moved across the ocean and stop everything. Don't take the meds, don't work out, don't eat right. Back to square one. Next time I go to the doc she gives me a slap on the wrist gives me more of the same meds, sets me up with a nutritionist, and tells me to start taking my temperature daily. (to see when I'm ovulating, yes we are trying to have a baby.) She is trying to set me up for success. Now the things she doesn't see is that I'm tired. The only thing I have done that she told me to do is take my temp. She said it should go up a full degree when it's my time. Well I haven't seen that happen. I'm confused. It varies but never spikes for one day. I will talk with her about this at the office, no need to tell me what I'm doing wrong or what you think is going on. I'm just talking here.
I want a baby. Plain and simple. I have wanted one for some time now. I am 25, so I know I still have time. The reason we are really trying now is because James is in the Navy. Military life really doesn't make it's plans around you. You make your plans and life around it. James is on shore duty. In the 6 years he has been in this is his first duty station where he is not attached to a ship that could go out to sea for six months there or 2 weeks here. Basically sea duty is not conducive to starting a family. Shore duty is awesome. So far he has been able to come home EVERY night, even on duty days. He stands his watch and thats it. It is fabulous. (Until he gets on my nerves, hey it happens.) We are very fortunate to have shore duty until late summer of 2013! :) Then it is back to sea.
* A sailor once told me that sailors are meant to be on ships and ships were made to in fact go out to sea. So sailors by their very name are meant to be away from their families and out in the water. This sort of stung when he said it, but it has stuck with me and actually helped me cope with James and his job, understanding that duty calls. I did in fact marry James AFTER he was in the Navy. It helps me to suck it up and be the supportive wife he needs me to be.
Back to baby.. So yes we are trying. We are taking the next steps. He is getting checked, (sorry babe for putting that out there) it's all part of it though. So why am I not doing anything else. Why am I not taking the meds or exercising, or eating right? I don't know. I haven't been hungry for veggies, normally I am. Last night my "veggie" was peas. Peas are a starch. A starch that is good for you, but still it's not a veggie. Sorry if I ruined that for ya. Tonight we are going to have fish sticks and french fries. Sure it's not healthy but I'm really excited about it. I love fish sticks!
All back to the question, why am I happy? I don't know. I guess I'm more content with how things are right now. Does this mean I want to stop trying? Absolutely not. I still want a baby. I'm still just 25 so if it doesn't happen till I'm 27 that would be all right. I think I would be very frustrated by then but it will still be ok. I don't know. Sometimes though I see or hear about someone who is pregnant and I start tearing up because I want one so badly. I want to be a mother. Plain and simple.
I know I'm not alone in this struggle. I'm just sorting out some feelings. I disabled the comments on this post cause it's personal to me. (Yes, I am still blogging about it for the world to see if they want to. I just wanted it to be out there.) Friends who share this struggle just know that I love you and pray for you. I hope that when any of you think of me you might say a little prayer that it will happen when it's supposed to and hopefully it will be sooner rather than later.
