Fire Rising

Psalm 3:3  But you, O Lord, are a shield around me, my glory, and the one who lifts my head high.

I really cherish my sunday morning walks. It is a time where I don't worry about my pace. I just turn on praise and worship music and walk. (Last Sunday I walked/ran with my brother. It was some great and much needed sibling bonding time.)

This past week we didn't get the news we were hoping for fertility wise. We were hoping to see a change but it stayed the same. We are going to continue for another couple of months before we meet with the doctor again to discuss further options.

This song came on.

I just felt something that can't be explained rise up in me. I felt a call to action. I'm not sure what that call is. I don't know what God has planned for me, but i feel He wants me to get ready.

When this song came on I lost it.

I started running and sobbing at the chorus. I have no idea what is going on inside myself. As tears were streaming down my face I was just praying for God to use me in whatever way he needs me. I released those held back tears. There is something bigger than me going on and I want to be part of it. I am no longer who I once was. God is making me into a warrior.

I feel stronger physically. I am setting and reaching goals I never thought possible. I have always felt that people underestimate me. Turns out that I am the one who underestimated myself.

I have this desire to be stronger spiritually. I don't know where I'm going. I only know that for me it starts with praise. Over this next year I want to learn the spiritual truths of who I am in Christ. That is my goal. To find out who I am. Right now I am a broken mess, but I feel this fire rising.

Journey to Healthy

                                                         

                                                                           

                                                           

Well I can't figure out how to do side by side crops on iphoto and picasa takes too long so you have to compare them like this.

The before photos were taken on June 24 2012. I weighed in at 189. The after photos were taken October 21st 2012. I weighed in at 165. 

My neck measures the same, I lost 1/4 an inch on the bust, 1 inch at the waist, 1 1/2 inches on the hips, 3 1/2 inches on my thighs, and 1 inch on my arms. Measurements are from July 24-October 21st. (We didn't get proper measurements in June.) 

This picture was at my best friends wedding in May. I was my heaviest at 196.

This picture is more recent, I was feeling cute before work and snapped it to send James. I am about 167 here. 

I did this the hard way. I cut out a lot of carbs, pasta, potatoes, bread. I have PCOS which affects insulin levels, so I need to cut out those things. I exercise at least 5 days a week. I walk a lot. I try to go to a spin class twice a week. I recently started working with a trainer for strength training. I eat lots of protein and veggies. I first got started with DDP Yoga. (google it) I don't keep up with the yoga so much anymore, but if its raining outside then I'll do it. Everything I do is low impact. I don't run. I don't kill myself but I really work at it. I sweat my butt off. It's been hard, but it is working. I don't plan on stopping anytime soon. :)

Let Go

During this mornings walk I was thinking about this season in my life, particularly my marriage. I am truly blessed. When James and I got married we were 19 year old kids. Now almost 27 we have come a long way. I can truly say that James is my best friend. I don't think I would have said that just 3 years ago. I never really liked those wedding decorations that say, "Today I will marry my best friend." I think I didn't like them out of jealousy. I wanted James to be my best friend, but he wasn't. We have had to learn each other and grow. Growing is usually pretty hard. It requires work, time, energy, thought.

One of the things that I used to do was nit-pick. Over everything! I can't even imagine what it was like to live with me. I do my best to let small things go now. It's just not worth it. I think the most harming thing that I did those first years of marriage was talking negatively about James to my friends. Again, this was all the time. You would have thought that I hated the man that I married and wondered why we were married. I was toxic to our marriage. Sure he wasn't perfect, the thing is, he never claimed to be. I on the other hand was the one who was really tearing us apart.

One day he made the comment that we were closer to being divorced than we were to being happily married. I was shocked. Looking back I don't know why I was so shocked. I guess just hearing it out loud was enough for me. I decided to go to counseling by myself. At first all I did was bash my husband yet again to someone else, all of our relationship issues were his fault. The counselor pretty much just gave me some communication tools and that was it. It helped for a little while.

I don't think that I really changed my tune until recently. I can't even tell you what the turning point was. I read a couple of books. "His Needs Her Needs" by Willard F. Harley Jr, and "Love and Respect" by Dr. Emerson Eggeriches. They helped some.

I think it comes down to the grace of God. I got tired of being full of unforgiveness, negative thoughts, and resentment. I realized that James is a really great man. He is a man of good character. He has a big heart. We aren't those 19 year old kids anymore.

I complement him all the time now. I have never been more physically attracted to him. I tell him he is a good man, that I respect him. I love to hear what he has to say. I don't speak negatively about him. It is honestly hard for me to think of something bad to say about him. He talks to me, takes me fishing, the way that he looks at me is just amazing. I feel so loved and wanted. It's all I could ever ask for. I am truly blessed and I know it.

This was the song that I was listening to when all these thoughts came into my head.

Made for More

Most Saturday mornings I go to a spin class. I love it when Ira teaches spin. He usually brings his laptop and projector and plays music videos. Today he just played them before class started and for the cool down. While watching the video below during cool down I had to catch myself so I wouldn't burst out in tears. I was proud of myself for getting through spin, inspired to keep at it, and just overcome with emotions. This video also reminded me that I am made for more than the day to day of life that I get caught up in. I believe that we all have purpose. I usually struggle with this because I feel it has to be something huge. The truth it, little things are huge.

Matthew 25:35-40 (Student Life Application Bible, New living translation.)
For I was hungry, and you fed me. I was thirsty, and you gave me a drink. I was a stranger, and you invited me into your home. I was naked, and you gave me clothing. I was sick, and you cared for me. I was in prison, and you visited me. Then these righteous ones will reply, 'Lord, when did we ever see you hungry and feed you? Or thirsty and give you drink? Or a stranger and show you hospitality? Or naked and give you clothing? When did we ever see you sick or in prison, and visit you?' And the King will tell the, 'I assure you, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters,* you were doing it to me!' 

This video reminded me of my trip to Kenya back in 2004. The way they are dancing reminded me of how the children were trying to teach me to dance. 

We went to Kenya in support of the missionaries that live there permanently. They were building a school.

They had several teams that would help them do certain things for the school. Our team helped to build the benches that would go inside. 

This was a lifetime experience that I am so glad I was able to do. I'm just wondering why I stopped with Kenya? Why didn't I bring that home with me? 

Lord, I'm sorry if I redirected the path and the plans you had for me. Help me to be more like you and help the least of us. Wherever or however that may be. 

Just some random thoughts and pictures and updates.

I really don't like washing dishes by hand. I throw them in the dishwasher multiple times if it doesn't come clean the first time. Lately we have been using a lot more of our rubbermaid lunch containers and those things don't fit very well with all the other dishes in there. It is becoming easier to brake down and hand wash them than strategically place all the dishes in the dishwasher! First world problem, I know.

We went to a braves game on the 1st of the month. We lost, but I had cute nails that made me feel better about it.

I have been feeling pretty good about wearing baseball hats lately. I first got one for the braves game and it was definitely needed to shield the sun, then I wore it again cause I was too lazy to fix my hair. This past Saturday I made my daddy proud and wore a hogs hat that my father-in-law bought me. I have to admit, I'm pretty darn cute.

As far as updates, I still go to the baby doctor about once a week to check hormones and look up my hoo-haa to check my ovaries. Nice, I know. 

In October I start working Monday-Friday from 4:15am-10:45am. That's early, but I've done it before. I get off early so I can take a nap and still do what I want. It's more hours, so more money. I will just have to remember that I am blessed when that 3am alarm goes off. 

Hope all is well with you and you have a fantastic week! :) 

Oh! I almost forgot. Happy Birthday James! I love you. 

Turning that Frown Upside Down

Do you know the most efficient way for me to change my attitude? It's not a drive with the windows down, it's not shopping, it's not eating a homemade piece of bread in my mom's kitchen, it's not a phone call from a best friend, it's not finishing a great workout, it's PRAISE.

Sometimes I get so caught up in myself that I forget to look outside of me. I don't have all the answers. I like to think I do.

I have been pretty anxious about the future lately. It started last month when we got word that we might be transferring to Virginia in February. I have NO desire whatsoever to go back to Virginia. Within a week it came back that we will not be moving in February and James will still be able to put into select where we go. Ultimately it is out of our hands and we will go where the Navy tells us to.

Of course we are still in the process of trying to have a baby. I am not sure what I am feeling about that either. I am so wishy washy. I do desire to be a mom someday. I also know that James will be such a great dad, probably one of the best in the world. He is really great with kids. When I watch him with children that's when I most yearn to have children. We are trying a mixture of things that I will not get into. We find out toward the end of October beginning of November if we will be able to have a baby through this treatment. Otherwise we will be using IVF to get pregnant.

Because there is a chance that we will have to use IVF, it has made me question how, when, where is this going to happen.

I have this desire to join the military myself. Yes, you read that right. I really want to join. It has always been in the back of my mind. Before James and I started dating, I thought I was going to end up an old maid and considered joining. Then I met James and he joined. When we were first married and very broke, I brought it up then. I thought about it again when we got back from Japan. And here we are now.

I work at the gym on base and see these girls who come in fresh out of boot camp. I know that if they can do it so can I. I know it will be hard, as most things worth doing are. The pros for joining are: we will have the budget to afford IVF. I will have a steady job and sense of purpose without being a mom. I will qualify for the GI bill and be able to go to school for whatever I want and not feel like I'm wasting money making up my mind. The cons are: I'm not sure James and I will be stationed together. We can put in for the same place, (city wise, not command) but it is not guaranteed. There is also the possibility that he will go out on deployment and come back and then I go out.

I don't want a career. I would ideally like to be two years active duty and two years reserve. I can see us putting aside our plans for the right now, to have a better future.

Pretty much everything is pending our fertility news in October-November. I really don't know which way I am leaning towards. That is where the praise comes in. It is out of my hands. I have plans for both ways and that's all I can do. God could have something totally different in store for us though. I hope that you will join me in praying God's will as we continue to praise Him in all situations.

Before You Speak

I have been seeing this little poster on Pinterest going around for Teachers. I love it and thinks it's a great reminder for adults too.



http://www.etsy.com/listing/96354235/think-before-you-speak-vinyl-decal?ref=sr_gallery_1&ga_search_query=think+before+you+speak&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_ship_to=ZZ&ga_min=0&ga_max=0&ga_ref=auto1&ga_search_type=all

I know that I need this reminder more often than not. I have found myself venting to a friend and then it turns to gossip and rumors. This covers all of that.

Just like we all learned from Bambi and our mothers, "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all."