Let Go

During this mornings walk I was thinking about this season in my life, particularly my marriage. I am truly blessed. When James and I got married we were 19 year old kids. Now almost 27 we have come a long way. I can truly say that James is my best friend. I don't think I would have said that just 3 years ago. I never really liked those wedding decorations that say, "Today I will marry my best friend." I think I didn't like them out of jealousy. I wanted James to be my best friend, but he wasn't. We have had to learn each other and grow. Growing is usually pretty hard. It requires work, time, energy, thought.

One of the things that I used to do was nit-pick. Over everything! I can't even imagine what it was like to live with me. I do my best to let small things go now. It's just not worth it. I think the most harming thing that I did those first years of marriage was talking negatively about James to my friends. Again, this was all the time. You would have thought that I hated the man that I married and wondered why we were married. I was toxic to our marriage. Sure he wasn't perfect, the thing is, he never claimed to be. I on the other hand was the one who was really tearing us apart.

One day he made the comment that we were closer to being divorced than we were to being happily married. I was shocked. Looking back I don't know why I was so shocked. I guess just hearing it out loud was enough for me. I decided to go to counseling by myself. At first all I did was bash my husband yet again to someone else, all of our relationship issues were his fault. The counselor pretty much just gave me some communication tools and that was it. It helped for a little while.

I don't think that I really changed my tune until recently. I can't even tell you what the turning point was. I read a couple of books. "His Needs Her Needs" by Willard F. Harley Jr, and "Love and Respect" by Dr. Emerson Eggeriches. They helped some.

I think it comes down to the grace of God. I got tired of being full of unforgiveness, negative thoughts, and resentment. I realized that James is a really great man. He is a man of good character. He has a big heart. We aren't those 19 year old kids anymore.

I complement him all the time now. I have never been more physically attracted to him. I tell him he is a good man, that I respect him. I love to hear what he has to say. I don't speak negatively about him. It is honestly hard for me to think of something bad to say about him. He talks to me, takes me fishing, the way that he looks at me is just amazing. I feel so loved and wanted. It's all I could ever ask for. I am truly blessed and I know it.

This was the song that I was listening to when all these thoughts came into my head.

Made for More

Most Saturday mornings I go to a spin class. I love it when Ira teaches spin. He usually brings his laptop and projector and plays music videos. Today he just played them before class started and for the cool down. While watching the video below during cool down I had to catch myself so I wouldn't burst out in tears. I was proud of myself for getting through spin, inspired to keep at it, and just overcome with emotions. This video also reminded me that I am made for more than the day to day of life that I get caught up in. I believe that we all have purpose. I usually struggle with this because I feel it has to be something huge. The truth it, little things are huge.

Matthew 25:35-40 (Student Life Application Bible, New living translation.)
For I was hungry, and you fed me. I was thirsty, and you gave me a drink. I was a stranger, and you invited me into your home. I was naked, and you gave me clothing. I was sick, and you cared for me. I was in prison, and you visited me. Then these righteous ones will reply, 'Lord, when did we ever see you hungry and feed you? Or thirsty and give you drink? Or a stranger and show you hospitality? Or naked and give you clothing? When did we ever see you sick or in prison, and visit you?' And the King will tell the, 'I assure you, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters,* you were doing it to me!' 

This video reminded me of my trip to Kenya back in 2004. The way they are dancing reminded me of how the children were trying to teach me to dance. 

We went to Kenya in support of the missionaries that live there permanently. They were building a school.

They had several teams that would help them do certain things for the school. Our team helped to build the benches that would go inside. 

This was a lifetime experience that I am so glad I was able to do. I'm just wondering why I stopped with Kenya? Why didn't I bring that home with me? 

Lord, I'm sorry if I redirected the path and the plans you had for me. Help me to be more like you and help the least of us. Wherever or however that may be. 

Just some random thoughts and pictures and updates.

I really don't like washing dishes by hand. I throw them in the dishwasher multiple times if it doesn't come clean the first time. Lately we have been using a lot more of our rubbermaid lunch containers and those things don't fit very well with all the other dishes in there. It is becoming easier to brake down and hand wash them than strategically place all the dishes in the dishwasher! First world problem, I know.

We went to a braves game on the 1st of the month. We lost, but I had cute nails that made me feel better about it.

I have been feeling pretty good about wearing baseball hats lately. I first got one for the braves game and it was definitely needed to shield the sun, then I wore it again cause I was too lazy to fix my hair. This past Saturday I made my daddy proud and wore a hogs hat that my father-in-law bought me. I have to admit, I'm pretty darn cute.

As far as updates, I still go to the baby doctor about once a week to check hormones and look up my hoo-haa to check my ovaries. Nice, I know. 

In October I start working Monday-Friday from 4:15am-10:45am. That's early, but I've done it before. I get off early so I can take a nap and still do what I want. It's more hours, so more money. I will just have to remember that I am blessed when that 3am alarm goes off. 

Hope all is well with you and you have a fantastic week! :) 

Oh! I almost forgot. Happy Birthday James! I love you. 

Turning that Frown Upside Down

Do you know the most efficient way for me to change my attitude? It's not a drive with the windows down, it's not shopping, it's not eating a homemade piece of bread in my mom's kitchen, it's not a phone call from a best friend, it's not finishing a great workout, it's PRAISE.

Sometimes I get so caught up in myself that I forget to look outside of me. I don't have all the answers. I like to think I do.

I have been pretty anxious about the future lately. It started last month when we got word that we might be transferring to Virginia in February. I have NO desire whatsoever to go back to Virginia. Within a week it came back that we will not be moving in February and James will still be able to put into select where we go. Ultimately it is out of our hands and we will go where the Navy tells us to.

Of course we are still in the process of trying to have a baby. I am not sure what I am feeling about that either. I am so wishy washy. I do desire to be a mom someday. I also know that James will be such a great dad, probably one of the best in the world. He is really great with kids. When I watch him with children that's when I most yearn to have children. We are trying a mixture of things that I will not get into. We find out toward the end of October beginning of November if we will be able to have a baby through this treatment. Otherwise we will be using IVF to get pregnant.

Because there is a chance that we will have to use IVF, it has made me question how, when, where is this going to happen.

I have this desire to join the military myself. Yes, you read that right. I really want to join. It has always been in the back of my mind. Before James and I started dating, I thought I was going to end up an old maid and considered joining. Then I met James and he joined. When we were first married and very broke, I brought it up then. I thought about it again when we got back from Japan. And here we are now.

I work at the gym on base and see these girls who come in fresh out of boot camp. I know that if they can do it so can I. I know it will be hard, as most things worth doing are. The pros for joining are: we will have the budget to afford IVF. I will have a steady job and sense of purpose without being a mom. I will qualify for the GI bill and be able to go to school for whatever I want and not feel like I'm wasting money making up my mind. The cons are: I'm not sure James and I will be stationed together. We can put in for the same place, (city wise, not command) but it is not guaranteed. There is also the possibility that he will go out on deployment and come back and then I go out.

I don't want a career. I would ideally like to be two years active duty and two years reserve. I can see us putting aside our plans for the right now, to have a better future.

Pretty much everything is pending our fertility news in October-November. I really don't know which way I am leaning towards. That is where the praise comes in. It is out of my hands. I have plans for both ways and that's all I can do. God could have something totally different in store for us though. I hope that you will join me in praying God's will as we continue to praise Him in all situations.

Before You Speak

I have been seeing this little poster on Pinterest going around for Teachers. I love it and thinks it's a great reminder for adults too.



http://www.etsy.com/listing/96354235/think-before-you-speak-vinyl-decal?ref=sr_gallery_1&ga_search_query=think+before+you+speak&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_ship_to=ZZ&ga_min=0&ga_max=0&ga_ref=auto1&ga_search_type=all

I know that I need this reminder more often than not. I have found myself venting to a friend and then it turns to gossip and rumors. This covers all of that.

Just like we all learned from Bambi and our mothers, "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all."

Today Was A Fairy Tale

Today was such a good day!

I went to Pilates this morning with a friend and a coworker. Got my butt kicked, in a good way.

When I got home, took a shower, and put on make-up for the first time this month. (It melts off and I have been breaking out, and it isn't cheap.)  I told James that I wanted to go for a drive.

We drove for a little over two hours just to nowhere and back. Down some county roads talking about dream houses and the normal stuff we talk about when we are driving. We had the dogs with us. It was raining and it made it more of a family thing, haha. Yes, our dogs are our children.

When we got back we stopped at the redbox. Got a couple of movies. We watched the first one then I cooked dinner. I made these spicy apple-glazed meatballs. I got the recipe from a magazine. They were pretty good. While I was prepping and cooking, all the ingredients were coming together, I put Jack Johnson on Pandora and felt like I was in a movie. Dancing around and cooking. Made mashed potatoes for James and broccoli for me. We sat down and I had a glass of my favorite moscato. Music was playing and we were talking and eating. It was a movie.

After dinner we took the dogs to the beach on base. Came home, rinsed off and now I'm finishing this post while James is rinsing off. Going to watch Red Tails and enjoy the rest of the night.

I'm so thankful for days like today. It makes my life a fairy tale.

Dear Audra

You are doing this! Even though last week was really heard due to PMS cravings and last night you gave in and ate some pasta, you are still on the right path.

The reason you no longer eat starchy carbs such as potatoes, rice, pasta, and bread is because you don't process them as well as others. You want to take a nap within 30 minutes of eating them. You have a black streak line on your neck, a sign of diabetes, at the age of 26.

Feel empowered by your choice to get healthy, not defeated.

Your portion sizes were out of control before. You know we are still working on that. It is hard enough to not eat potatoes. You are doing great though.

You have set some goals for yourself and you can reach them. It is just going to take time. Probably a lot of frustration and tears too.

As you are writing this I see you crying because you really really so badly want those white powdered donuts that James bought yesterday. You know that you CAN eat them. You are choosing not to eat them. You don't eat that way anymore, Audra. I DON'T EAT THAT WAY ANYMORE.

When you lose 10 pounds you WILL get that pedicure.
When you lose 20 pounds you WILL get a heart monitor.
When you lose 30 pounds you WILL get a new pair of tennis shoes.
When you lose 40 pounds you WILL get laser hair removal.
When you lose anything greater you WILL be getting new clothes.

Audra, this is not just about losing weight, this is not about looking great, though those are great motivations. You are making healthy decisions. You want to be there for your kids one day. You want to be able to have kids and carry them to 40 weeks healthy! You want to be proud of yourself for once.

I see you bawling your eyes out knowing that this is a turning point. Stop crying, wipe those eyes, feel empowered.

You know in your heart you are doing this for you. Your husband loves you the way you are. Your friends love you the way you are. You even love yourself.

You have enjoyed every dinner party that you ate plates of pasta and potatoes. You had a blast drinking those high calorie alcoholic beverages. You had a lot of fun getting up to 196 pounds. You are who you are. Though you may lose weight, never forget that you have loved yourself along the way. Your friends have loved you all along. Your husband has loved you all along. Your savior has loved you all along.

Even though you are not all alone in this fight to get healthy, you have friends that walk with you and a husband who will exercise with you. It is your responsibility to put the fork down. You are the one who is going to have to say no thanks to potatoes or that bread basket. No one else can do that for you.

I am doing this for me. I am doing this to be healthy. I am doing this because I love myself.